I realised to day that I still have this account open.

I have moved all of my blog to my website, www.sarah-savage.com

Thanx

RIP Aerie

As I mentioned in my first ever blog, one of the first things I did when I first arrived in the UK was a visit to Manchester for a weekend event called Sparkle. It’s like the trans version of a gay Pride event, but more sparkley. One of the first people I met that weekend was someone called Aerie. I remembered mostly her brightly coloured hair and her cider drinking, potty mouth. At over 6 foot tall in heels Aerie liked to stand out. I got to know her that weekend and shared a ride back home with Bobby and was struck by how quiet this person became. Maybe it was the hangover, maybe it was because Aerie was how Bobby preferred to express herself, either way, I’d already decided that I thought this person was pretty cool.

Over the next few months Aerie came up in conversation a few times and in person once or twice and I learned a bit more about how he lived his life. He came from a rough part of Cardiff and his family, by all accounts, had a reputation for being typical rowdy Welshmen. Bobby was different. Bobby was also Aerie. Unlike most other transvestites, he was open to his family about his weekend hobby. I was once told a story that when Bobby told his family that he liked to dress as female occasionally his brothers told him “that’s OK, just don’t do it round here because we’ll have to get into fights defending you.” Even Bob’s Facebook page bore both his male and female name, Aerie wasn’t ashamed of who he was. Why can’t more people be like you, Aerie?

Aerie was liked by almost everyone she met, reading through the comments people left after hearing of the sad news, a theme emerged; ‘I’ve only met you a few times and wish I’d have got to know you more’. Aerie left an impression in so many peoples lives. I have a huge amount of admiration and respect for the way Aerie lived, at a time in my life when I was just starting to come out, here was someone who lived with the openness I wanted for my life. We shared a love for swearing too much, drinking too much and we shared some demons too.

When I think of Aerie I will always remember that weekend in Manchester, and like others, I wish I’d have had the chance to get to know her more. I hope that in death he finds the peace he was looking for, he will be very sorely missed by very many people.

Trans on TV, A Word Of Caution

Since the airing of My Transsexual Summer and the enormous reaction it caused, both in the trans community and the wider public I have been aware of a number of other production companies who have been pitching ideas to trans people about including them in a new television show. I’ve heard from people asking for advice from me and I’ve even spoken directly to one production company, resisting their attempt to extract contact details of people who may be helpful to them and trying to find out more details about how they would represent anyone who might be involved.

Whilst I understand some trans peoples eagerness to get involved with these projects, maybe an attempt to try and emulate the success of MTS, I cannot help but be very suspicious of any TV company who is seeking out trans people to make a show with. During the run up to starting filming for MTS and throughout the production and editing process all of us involved went to great lengths to ensure that we would be shown with dignity and respect, not some kind of freak show to be made fun of. And we still didn’t get it perfectly right.

You really do dance with the devil when you get involved with TV. Trans people in the past have had to flee their homes in the middle of the night because of the reaction they received from opening up their lives to national TV cameras. I am aware of a few examples of trans folk that deeply regret their involvement with television.

My Transsexual Summer raised the bar considerably when it comes to how trans people are represented on TV but that’s not to say it was a total game changer. There still will be production companies that mean well but are just looking to the trans community to make a quick buck, to exploit us and sometimes even to make fun of us.

By all means, get involved with a television show but please approach with extreme caution. Be aware that the tone of the show will mostly be set by editors you may never meet. Take into consideration where you live, how people you have never met will react to knowing you are trans. Be prepared for a negative reaction. The night MTS went out was the most nervous night of my life, I thought I had prepared myself for idiots on Twitter laying into me, I was wrong. Some of the things written about me was really upsetting and it was a steep learning curve for me to be able to cope with that.
Seek written assurances from the production company about how they will represent you. Speak to Trans Media Watch and GIRES, ask for their help. If the production company has never heard about these groups, let alone asked for their guidance then be EXTREMELY cautious about getting involved. This is your life they are asking to broadcast to the world, stay in control.

Since MTS there have been a few shows on TV covering the trans genre and one or two of them have been quite positive but this does not mean all future ones will be. Approach any TV project with open eyes and an inquisitive mind. I am all for the trans community to be represented in the media more and wish anyone thinking of getting involved with it my very best. If anyone wants some advice please do not hesitate to contact Trans Media Watch or myself.

I Didn’t Fuckin’ Choose This! (Dating)

So I have been chatting to this guy online for a while now, he is an artist, a graphical designer and seemed an all round interesting kinda guy… He had been asking me for a few weeks to meet up with me for a drink and today, I thought to myself ‘why not, what have I got to lose?’ I agreed to meet him in a pub on a busy Brighton street, somewhere I could easily slip away if it didn’t go well and I would be safe enough if he turned out to be a nutter. Now, I like to think of myself as a good judge of character, I hope I can ‘read’ people well and see the motivation behind the way they act, this weekend marks my thirtieth year on this planet and I genuinely hope I am street wise, mature enough to know when someone is playing me.

I thought that during my online chats with this guy he was interested in me as a person, the fact that I happen to be trans didn’t even factor into his attraction to me, in fact, I thought that I had gone out of my way to make sure that I wasn’t some kind of ‘fantasy shag’ to him, a box to be ticked off on his list of sexual conquests… This all flew out of the window when he said to me “I just want to explore my bi side, you’re not gonna have ‘it’ chopped off are you?”

My body is not some vessel for a random stranger to use as experimentation with. I am not something for you to satisfy your curiosity with. I am a fucking person who wants to be treated as such. If I had ANY other choice I wouldn’t be this way. I would have lived my life the way I was born and would have been happy with that. I didn’t choose to be trans. If I hadn’t have transitioned I would be dead by now, and that is not me being a drama queen, that is stone cold fact.

So as I sat alone on the bus home, my eyes leaking as I realised that this dating game is bullshit but maybe it’s just my fears manifesting themselves in other people, maybe this guy actually did like me for who I am but was just incapable of communicating with some semblance of empathy. Even so, those words cut, they cut fucking deep and, as much as I doubt it, I hope I never hear them again.

Declaration

Something hasn’t been right in my world for some time now. Somehow, something was niggling away at the back of my mind… Unfortunately these fears came true recently and a person has taken advantage of me. It’s not about money, it’s about trust, honour and, at it’s very basic, being a nice, kind human being. I even remember a conversation with this person where he was told that he wasn’t expected to help for free, he was welcome to take a wage if the money was there, the only stipulation given was that he was honest about it. Sadly he couldn’t even do that. I’ve had a few people email me since with the truth about this person and I regret not acting sooner.

Discovering the lies and betrayal of trust by this person has upset me greatly and has shaken my faith in people. It’s not something I wish to discuss with anyone, I have said all I will say on the matter and want to move on with my life.

Something that has struck me recently on the travels I have been on and the people that I have met along the way. I have got to know a few people, from beauticians to charity workers who earn a living from helping people. And what’s more, these people I’ve met are all lovely, well rounded individuals. They go to work in the morning and by the time they’ve come home they have made some kind of positive difference in another person’s life. And they get paid to do it.

This has been quite a revelation for me, I always hated working for some corporation, making other people rich through my hard work. I’ve always wanted a job that gives me satisfaction, a sense of worth, to feel good about going to work in the morning. To find out about this kind of work has been a surprise to me, back home in Jersey these kind of jobs simply do not exist, the island is too small and there jut isn’t the need for the scale of charity work found here on the mainland.

I know I will need to volunteer for a charity for a while and hope that paid work comes up but I have decided that if I am ever to genuinely enjoy working, this is what I must do. I’m gonna start researching who I want to work for and looking for volunteer work that’s local to Brighton.

New rule for life: Be nice and nice things will happen.

Witch Hunts and Tabloid Scum

So I read that a man from the UK with trans history has given birth and that the gutter press are searching for him. It’s become quite a frenzy to be honest. There have been some shockingly transphobic articles from the Daily Mail’s Bel Mooney and The Telegraph even changed their headline overnight to a more provocative scarehead. The Sun even went as far as encouraging it’s readers to ‘shop’ this new family to them for financial gain!

How is this even newsworthy? A person has used their body to create another life, does it really matter how, who or what their history is? This kind of thing happens every day. So fucking what that this person is trans? I can guarantee you that there has been more than a few trans women who have procreated in the past so why the big fuss about a trans man doing it?

What is the UK press obsession with all things trans? Why the hell should the simple fact that someone is trans-whatever make them a piece of public property when all they are doing is trying and live their lives like every other member of society?

It is basic schoolroom bullying at it’s worst. Pick on the odd one out. Deride, belittle and persecute them until they break then move on to the next target and repeat.

Bel Mooney, Dominic Mohan, Richard Alleyne and every other member of the gutter press in the UK are nothing more than children picking on others because they have nothing better to do with their pathetic lives than spout their bigoted, transphobic bullshit under the veil of journalism. They bring shame upon the profession and should issue public apologies for their behavior.

This comes after a week when Trans Media Watch gave evidence to the Leveson Inquiry giving examples of how the press has hounded and persecuted trans people simply because they were born in the wrong body.

THIS IS NOT IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

LET THESE PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES

Every person on this planet has the right to become a parent and it is not a newsworthy event when a person with trans history exercises that right.

I copied this next part from Fox’s blog and I encourage you to spread the word.

—————————————————–

Currently “The Sun, and apparently other tabloid newspapers are trying to find any transman who is about to give birth or who has given birth post-transition.”  ”There will be a lot of journalists poking around trying to find out names.”
Natacha Jessica Kennedy of Trans Media Watch asks for ‘every trans person, and all supporters of trans people need to stand shoulder-to-shoulder on this and keep quiet, no talking to the press, no disclosures, just a magnificent solidarity in silence.’
If you are being hounded by any journalists, you can contact Trans Media Watch for support and advice: or the PCC 24 Hour emergency advice line: 07659 152656. This applies to anyone who believes they have become the focus of press attention in a manner that breaches the Editors’ Code of Practice

Is My Fame Vacuous?

I personally hate it when I meet someone on the street or in a club and says something about me being famous or a celebrity. It makes me feel like one of those seemingly vacuous people that sell photos of their wedding or newborn child to a magazine or go on TV to moan about press intrusion into their lives or their latest marriage break up. I don’t feel “famous.” I was on a late night Channel 4 show, which a relatively small number of people watched and then moved on with their lives but it’s left me with a legacy that I can’t ignore.

I still feel like the same person that I was a year ago, I still drink too much Red Bull, stay up till 4am on the internet and wish I could have more confidence. I agreed to be part of My Transsexual Summer mainly because I was just moving to the UK and I didn’t know anyone here, much less knew another trans person or know how really to start my transition. Being “famous” was never a motivation for me and I was vaguely hopeful that some people would take some sort of inspiration from me taking part but it’s this that has become my greatest underestimation of the summer.

Last weekend I went on a trip with the other girls from MTS, Karen, Donna, Drew and a man called Paul as we were invited to open a club night in Birmingham and to attend a night in a gay friendly pub in Bletchingley, Surrey. Now, I was and continue to be uncomfortable with the idea of putting myself on a pedestal above others as if I’m some kind of Elton John-esque “star” and I think it showed, I was self conscious, nervous and a lot more reserved to how I am normally but it was a conversation I had with someone afterwards when I was having a drink to calm my nerves that hit me like a freight train.

This person approached me and begun to tell me how she had came out to her family as trans after watching me telling my mum on TV. She said that seeing how I had summoned up the courage to be honest with the people I love had made her realise that she needed to do the same and she thanked me for taking part in the show. There was a tear in my eye as I hugged her and wished her the best for her life.

The next night in that tiny but lovely pub in Surrey and with the snow falling hard outside I met another young trans woman who, she explained, had only lived fulltime as female for a month. She was painfully shy and we talked about ways to help her boost her confidence and stop worrying about whether she passed as a woman when she was walking down the street. I promised her I would put her in touch with some friends of mine and said we would be able to support her and help her out in any way we could.

Now, I have noticed a couple of comments on Facebook and Twitter from people questioning why I am attending these club openings, events and various things that I’ve been invited to, like I’m milking my “fame” or something. To begin with, even though I put this down to petty jealousy, I thought these people may have had a point, I do not wish to become some sort of “career transsexual” who trades on being on a trans TV show like some Z list celebrity personalities seem to try and milk the fact that they were once on Big Brother or something.

But last weekend has made me aware that the seven of us HAVE made a difference to some peoples lives, we have actually inspired people, given hope to some people, opened some peoples eyes and continue to do so. We still have that opportunity to help some peoples lives and still give hope to some that their personal situations can improve and it’s for this reason that I won’t feel bad turning up to a nightclub in a blacked out people carrier and standing on a stage answering peoples questions as long as I still feel like I am making a difference for the good

One Small Step For Transkind

I came across a problem that no doubt countless other trans folk have fought with last week while I was finishing off changing my name with the various companies and official documents that still bear my old name and I came to my phone contract with O2. I walked into their shop in Brighton and presented the assistant with my Deed Poll and she gave me the address to send it to which I duly did. Just as I was about to leave my flat for the weekend I checked my mailbox and saw this letter from them.

O2 seemed confused… A simple name change being made into such a kerfuffle! At one point in the letter they talk about a gender change, which, by the way was never mentioned when I asked for my name to be changed, and later in the letter they tell me when I provided them with the “certificate showing gender change” they asked for, they’ll update the name on their records….?? And what is that bit about “the copy of the Deed Poll that you’ve produced need the signature and stamp of the authority”? (sic) The Deed Poll I have was good enough for my bank, good enough for my national insurance number and good enough for everyone else I’ve had to use it with.

When I called the number to try and explain that I could only get a Gender Recognition Certificate after at least two years of living as female and, at the moment, all I wanted to do was to change my name with them!

So I decided to ask the Twitterverse as I’m connected there to lots of other trans folk who I hoped would be able to help me out with this problem. A few people mentioned they had problems with O2 in the past but I also received a Tweet from someone who happened to work for them who, as luck would have it, was at that same time was working on a project for customer services to make it easier for customers to change their name! I love Twitter!

The next day after confirming some details with O2 I received a phone call from the lovely man who contacted me to tell me that the Deed Poll I sent them was enough and not to worry, he would sort everything out. Wonderful!

Here’s the mail I received from O2 about it:

Hi Sarah,

Just to confirm what we discussed on the call earlier. I have updated your account to reflect your proper name and gender. I am really sorry that you encountered so many problems in trying to do this. Going forward, we are going to improve our internal processes so that other trans-people do not have to face the same issues.

Thanks

D**** J******* and the Systems Thinking Project Team

O2 Customer Services.

So hopefully from now on any trans person wishing to change their name with O2 will have an easy time of it!

That’s a good result in my book J

Screw You And Your Stereotypes ( I Will Never Be A Girly Girl)

I had a conversation today with someone that ran along the lines of many, many conversations I’ve had over the years, it went something like this:

Me: “I love that the new Top Gear is on, they have the new Mclaren MP-12C and the new Lamborghini!!”

Person: “You’re not very good at this being a female thing, are you?”

What???

I mean, really??????

When I left school I was an apprentice mechanic at the Rolls Royce dealership in Jersey, long ago I lost count but I’ve owned at least 50 cars since I was 16, I am inexplicably and unashamedly obsessed about an internal combustion engine attached to four wheels and a seat. Since when does gender have to do with that? 

When I was on day release from the garage at the local college there was a woman in my class studying with us, and to be honest, she was way better a mechanic than I ever was. What is it with people assuming that to like something you have to be a certain gender? Today I met a woman who’s boyfriend is obsessed with pink, Lauren, one of my best friends from home can kick my ass at Playstation, I’ve worked on building sites next to female plumbers and carpenters and I’ve met men who are more obsessed with makeup and beauty than I am about cars.

When will people realise that every time they try and pigeon hole one gender into a certain role they are just reinforcing outdated and needless stereotypes? This kind of thinking has to stop right now. Some young boys like playing with dolls. Some young girls like playing rough with the boys her age.

Why does one activity or another have to be gendered? Why can’t we all just BE?

Just because I am female it doesn’t mean I have to live up to what you may think I should do. I like cars, video games and finding out how things work, this doesn’t make me any less female. I also like makeup, shoes to die for and watching Loose Women but people choose to ignore this when they question me about my love of cars.

As I mentioned in a previous blog this reinforcement of stereotypes starts at a young age and I believe it takes a certain type on mind to see around it, analyse everything, ask why, question motives, this is the only way that we can embrace and promote gender variance and freedom of expression as nothing more than personal wellbeing.   

The Thing About Gender Is...

 

It’s been a while since my last blog (again) as I’ve been concentrating on writing my book and general boring life stuffs. Next month is going to be a pretty cool one though, I’ve been asked to go to a few support groups and charities to give talks to about my experiences as an early transitioner and give my views on lots of different things. One thing that has got me thinking though is the people at Schools Out have asked me to come give my input in a discussion panel.

It got me thinking about how gender stereotypes are reinforced from a very young age in schools, whether it be about uniform, queuing up after lunch break, playing with toys or the whole netball is for girls and football is for boys rubbish. There is so much being ingrained in these young children that I fear that societies acceptance of non-gender binary expression may never improve.

The sooner people figure out that teaching children the fact that it’s ok to express their gender however they feel, the better. Instead of reinforcing the differences between children we should be encouraging their freedom of expression. Teachers should be teaching children the fact that gender is a spectrum and not everyone falls into either the stereotypical male or female role. If we want children to grow up into well rounded, open minded adults then they need to learn how to question everything about their thought processes and the greater world around them and make informed decisions about how they react to things.

Another thing I’ve been doing since my last blog is giving up smoking. I’m at 9 days now, using one of those inhalator things… I never thought I’d have ever even tried to give up but last week I just decided to stop and went to the doctor and all of a sudden I’m a non smoker! Well, when I was out for a drink with a friend on Friday I confess to smoking a couple but they just tasted like shit which I think is the right reaction…

I broke my cars gearbox somehow too over the last couple of weeks so am confined to my flat and only going out on the bus every couple of days but at least it’s concentrating me on writing my book. You didn’t know I was writing a book? Well I am. It’s about my experiences this summer coming out to different people and the journey I went on from day one of living fulltime as female. I’m looking for a publisher if you know anyone who can help? Ideally I’m looking for a publishing house to handle printing as well as promotions as I have no experience in it at all… Contact me on Facebook or Twitter if you think you can help!!

Yo Ho Ho!! Mary Chrimbo

 

Christmas!!! It’s that time of year when everyone gets all excited and stuff and forgive me for being a bit bah humbug but each year I just don’t get what all the excitement is about… See, I was raised in a very religious family and we never celebrated Christmas so it wasn’t until I was seventeen that I had my first proper Christmas and that was spent in a pub lock-in with my then girlfriend and the only festive thing we did was get really drunk…

I guess over the years I have learnt to enjoy it more and my favourite one was when I was in Amsterdam for a couple of weeks. Maybe it was the ‘local’ cigarettes I was smoking but for the first time in my life I actually felt festive! The air was cold and crisp and every where I looked there was tinselly decorations with the odd Dutchman cycling past whistling Christmas songs. My friend and I were staying in a dingy hostel on some dodgy street until some more friends arrived and we got to share their hotel room. On the big day we ate pancakes and did some sightseeing.

The point I’m rambling towards though, is, Christmas is what you make of it. For me it means enjoying time with friends. Each year my friends back in Jersey would all get together for a big meal and to get nice and drunk and I will miss that this year but my life has started a new chapter so it’s time to look forward and enjoy what I have achieved these last few months.

So whatever you get up to and whoever you spend it with, I hope you enjoy it. :)  

Government Ministers and Lesbian Pubs (My Week)

Its been a while since my last blog and I’ve been slacking a little in the online part of my life… I’ve just had such a lot going on recently, when I sit down at home I just want to chill out…

What a few days it’s been though! Last week I was woken up by a phone call from someone who said they were from the Home Office!??!! All kinds of thoughts flashed through my mind, what did they want with me? Were they going to deport me back to Jersey for crimes against fashion? Did they want to nominate me for Prime Minister?

As it turned out the Equalities Minister, Lynne Featherstone was launching the first ever government plan for transgender equality and had asked for someone from My Transsexual Summer to help promote it. So there I was at 6am having not slept because I was out with the others from MTS the night before and I knew that if I went to sleep I wouldn’t wake up in time, downing Red Bull in the hope that I would be able to appear awake on breakfast TV… It all went really well in the end and I was asked to the actual Home Office building to have a meeting with the minister herself. Who would have thought, me, a girl from a tiny island near France, having a natter with a top government minister!!! Lynne seemed like a really nice lady and was clued up on trans issues. Here’s a link to the actual paper the government produced. http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/publications/equalities/lgbt-equality-publications/e-bulletin/e-bulletin-4

Although it’s great and all that the government are taking steps for the progress of transgender rights, from what I understand from this paper, it’s not actually agreeing to do anything. It just seems like they’re saying “let’s start thinking about doing something” It seems a bit of a cop out to me.

Why are they not doing something to promote gender variance in schools? Discrimination and bullying comes from not understanding and there should be more done to educate people.

Why do trans people feel they have to fight to get treatment on the NHS? Failure or a long wait for treatment is seriously detrimental to the wellbeing of people who are transgendered.

I could go on but I’m trying to keep this post short.

In other news, I have got myself a part time job!! I now work behind the bar at the Marlborough pub in Brighton. Apparently it’s a lesbian bar? I had a shift there last night and it went really well, luckily I remembered how to pull a pint and the night flew past in the end. I really enjoyed getting out there and meeting some new people and I hope it’s the start of more shifts and maybe a proper job.

I’m also over a quarter of the way to my target of £2000 on my fundraising page to fund my hair removal. Yay!! A huge thanks to all those who have donated, I have booked my first consultation for Monday and I’ll know a bit more about the treatments I’ll be getting after then. I’m really looking forward to starting, I hate having to shave my face every day, its ripping up my skin and if I haven’t shaved on a particular day my confidence takes a real hit if I have to leave the house. It costs a fortune in razors too!! Heres a link should you wish to donate <3 http://www.gofundme.com/anfyg

I’m off to go and see Karen tonight for her birthday so I’ll leave you with that. J

Moving On

So this whole My Transsexual Summer thing will come to an end tonight and I’m thinking about looking to the future. There has been such a huge reaction from everybody and it seems like I’m riding the crest of a wave, which I don’t want to stop. I got to thinking about how I can continue the momentum this program has built up and also about things I want for the future.

Dream job? I want to be a writer. I want to make money out of something I think I’m good at and I really enjoy and that is writing. I’m in the early stages of writing a book about this summer because there is so much that went on during such a momentous chapter in my life that some people would really benefit from reading it. I have a lot of it planned out and about ten thousand words written so I’m going to concentrate on that over Christmas.

I also want to see if I can get an article published or ideally a regular column in some sort of publication, I’ve been in touch with the Argus in Brighton and am hoping to hear back. What I’m looking for is some kind of regular income, a job of some sort. I’ve had a very varied working life, I started out from school as a Rolls Royce car mechanic and worked in a few garages for 4 years. Then I moved to Ibiza and worked at a rock club for 3 years, I used to stand outside the door and talk people into coming in for a drink and even DJ’d heavy metal for a season in the back room. Since then I’ve been a fishmonger, installed Sky TV and audio/visual systems in peoples houses, I can install and fix Apple computers, I’ve been a labourer, warehouse worker, driver, the list is almost endless. I seem to be able to pick things up and learn new skills easily.

I don’t know even how to begin making money from writing, a good start would be a working AdSense account but it’s been disabled for some reason and I can’t figure out how to get it working again. Can anyone help with anything?

I’ve also started a fundraising page too, for some hair removal so I don’t have to shave every day and to see a gender specialist so I can begin my hormone therapy. Both these things will take years before I get to where I want to be, but both will make a huge difference to my life so please, if you can spare it, donate to my transition fund. Heres my Fundraising page. I made a quick video about it too…

My Own Transsexual Summer

This summer has been the most extraordinary time of my life. Back in June I was at the bottom of a deep, black hole. I was sleeping in my car and friends sofas, living my life on autopilot. There was no hope. If I didn’t try and change something I don’t think I would have been able to muster up the will to live for much longer. I knew that my only hope was to confront that problem. The one that had bugged me since I was small. The problem that I had put so much effort into running from. I’m not male, I’m female

I’d also been in contact with someone from Twenty/Twenty about a documentary they were making for a few weeks, just some phone calls, I didn’t think anything would come of it but told them that I was about to start living full time as female and they seemed keen to meet me. I remember that boat journey from Jersey well. The feeling I had having a smoke looking out from the back of the boat watching my island home disappear was one of desperation, my last chance to feel good about myself. If this didn’t succeed I didn’t know what would happen. As I arrived in Weymouth I knew there would be a camera man waiting and I was still dressed in my male clothes… Sitting in my car waiting to disembark I hurriedly put on a bra, false boobs and my wig. This was day one. This was the beginning of my life.

I wanted to be part of this documentary because I knew I needed all the help I could get. I decided early on that if I was asked to take part I had to do it properly. I had watched lots of trans related TV shows in the past and some of them had really touched me, even reduced male me to tears and I wanted to be a part of something that had that effect on others. I wanted to show other trans men and women that if I could make this work then so can they.

Looking at how I am now compared to those first few days I feel like a completely different person. Being part of My Transsexual Summer has changed my life forever. It has been, far and away, the most positive experience of my life. I will forever be grateful for being asked to be a part of it. The people I met have become like family to me and it was a privilege to share such an amazing time in my life with them. The personal journey I had was just amazing and I have not only the trans people to thank but the production crew too. Some of the lessons I learnt will stay with me and benefit me for the rest of my life.

The response from people who have watched it has blown me away, I’ve had literally thousands of mails and tweets offering support and gratitude. I think it’s amazing that people I’ve never met have taken time out of their day to find me and send me lovely things, I totally didn’t expect that.    

I’m going to stop gushing now, I need to figure out what to do next, how to use this experience to continue to help others and myself.  

Standing Up For Myself.

Over the last few days the guy who I was staying with in Swansea has been trying to blackmail me into removing my earlier blog, Just whats fallen out of my head today. He's also been sending me emails threatening to post further mistruth on forums that I use regularly for support and advice demanding I remove my blog. Here's what he has been spamming my guestbook with:

Apart from the flat out lies about me never making my feelings know to him he attempts to gloss over calling me fat! I remember at least four separate occasions that this happened, three times in front of people! How dare you call that gentle teasing!!! What about the times he said that he'd have to get hypnotized after I had my surgery so he'd still like me?? How about the many times he used to hold my face in his hands and force his tongue into my mouth despite me trying to pull away? How about the time he called me a stupid fucking tranny when I burnt the dinner? How about all the negative and sly comments that I chose to ignore at the time because I thought it wasn't worth upsetting the apple cart to challenge them? Was that just "gentle teasing"???

Yes I do owe him some money but this is no more than a regular dispute over flatting expenses - which hardly requires blackmail and subterfuge to resolve it! He was like two different people, kind on one hand and unpredictable on the other.I did not feel safe living there and I should not have to justify that.

Like I said in my earlier blog: What people don’t realise is just how vulnerable trans women are. I was so desperate for acceptance from someone, anyone as a female human being that I felt I had to do things I wish I hadn’t. I should have never let this happen. 

I'm writing this because I can't ignore the mails I have been receiving, I wanted to just move on, forget all that had happened and get on with my life. But for the first time in my life I feel I have something worth standing up for. Me.

I have been receiving help from a wonderful charity called R.I.S.E and their LGBT officer. They have helped me get back on my feet and given me the strength and power to stand up for myself.  Please, if you have a few spare quid, donate to them. Their help and support has benefited me and many, many others no end and their funding should be more.

Transgender Day Of Remembrance and Political Annoyances

Transgender Day Of Remembrance

Today (20^th November) was the international transgender day of remembrance. Events and services were planned all around the world for people to get together and remember the murders of trans people. A few friends, Fox and me went to the Brighton Methodist center on St. James street where about fifty people eventually turned up and we had a lovely talk from Stef, from the Claire project and heard songs from an LGBT choir. There was also over a hundred lilac, purple and black cards laid out on a table in the middle of the circle with the names of trans people who had been murdered, their ages and where they died. For me the most moving part of the service was when we were invited to stick these cards on the wall. Reading the names on these cards made it real. These were all real people like me, who died because of who they were. After there was a chance to have tea and cakes and meet some of Brighton’s bestest trans folk.

One thing that surprised me though was the statistic that trans people of non-white ethnic origin are much, much more likely to be murdered or become a victim of crime. I have no idea why this is but it’s wrong. The plight of trans people who aren’t lucky enough to be born in such accepting societies needs to be highlighted. I know Paris Lees, of TransMedia Watch has recently travelled to Turkey to investigate their shockingly high murder rates for trans, it will be interesting to see what she has found out. 

Two things prickled me though…  

First and foremost, every political party was invited to join us and show their support. None could be bothered to turn up. In Brighton, arguably the UK’s most trans friendly city, not a single member of our great ruling parties saw fit to spend two hours of their Sunday afternoon to come down and give the trans community a visible message that they cared. Transphobic crime and murder happens in the UK a hell of a lot more than I want to imagine and I wanted to hear what the government was doing about it.

The collective ignorance from politicians in general says a lot about where trans people stand on their list of priorities. I, for one, would like an answer why!

The second thing that made me think was that although the TDoR was that it was a day for remembering our dead. More specifically though, it was to remember those murdered. What about the suicides? Depending on where you get the statistics from, fifty percent of trans people attempt suicide at some stage in their life. God knows how many succeed. This day should be for remembering our trans friends that have died, no matter how they died.

 

About The Haters...

The thing that’s been getting to me the most these last few days since the first My Transsexual Summer went out and people have started knowing who I am, on the internet more than anywhere else, is the constant highs and lows, peaks and troughs that my life seems to have become. One moment I’ll be reduced to tears by a lovely email sent to me by an old friend that I haven’t been in contact with in years telling me how he remembers being in a pub in Ibiza with me, six or seven years ago and how I was crying and telling him how unhappy I was and how glad he is seeing m on TV now having found the cause of my problems and how happy I looked.

The next moment, it seems I’ll read a negative or insulting comment on my blog or on twitter and it will really affect me. I’ll get angry and hurt and react in some way. It seems like a never ending rollercoaster.

I realise that I’m wrong letting the negativity get to me, I can simply choose to ignore it. The amount of positive, supportive and nice comments, tweets and emails I’ve been receiving has far, far outweighed the bad.

I knew when getting into this documentary thing that there would be negative feedback and I thought I’d prepared myself for them better. Life is just a learning curve after all. At the end of the day it says more about the person being nasty than they could ever say about me.

Radiate positivity and it will be reflected back.

Just whats fallen out of my head today.

What I wanted from My Transsexual Summer was a lot different than challenging stereotypical gender binary ideas people have or breaking down barriers between cisgender and transgender people.

 At the start of all this, I wanted the chance to tell my story. I wanted people to see the journey I was embarking upon. I wanted to meet and get to know other trans people like me. I wanted support. I wanted friends. I wanted a life.

All that I originally desired has come true tenfold. But I find myself wanting more. What this documentary will never tell because of time restraints is what else was going on in my life, what circumstances led up to me moving to Wales, what happened when I was living there and the situation I find myself in at the moment.

Before this summer I always lacked direction in my life, never being able to stick in one job, home or relationship. The last time I lived in the same house for more than a year was over ten years ago. I’ve never had a job for longer than eighteen months. I’ve never felt like I could be open with a partner one hundred percent because of these feelings inside of me so I flittered in and out of relationships. Nothing ever seemed quite right. I had this huge battle between masculinity and femininity raging inside me constantly eating away at me and devouring my will to give a shit about anything. I destroyed friendships, relationships, anything that did some positive for me, I just couldn’t bring myself to fight for the things that should have mattered.

But now I find myself giving a shit about stuff, and sometimes it’s hard to know what to do about it.

What the documentary won’t show is how I had somehow found myself in an abusive situation with the guy I was living with. I’d met him a couple of times before, when visiting Wales and he seemed like a nice guy, he was softly spoken, calm and chilled out and to be honest I was kind of attracted to that. He said I could come and stay in his spare room and he would help me get on my feet. He started taking me out to places and buying me drinks, cooking me meals and generally paying my way. I started looking for work and applied for job seekers allowance and housing benefit, which took months for me to sort out. During this time he was pressuring me into sex and constantly following me about the house hugging me and kissing me. I stupidly thought I owed him. I thought that he was letting me stay there for free and I had to pay him back somehow. I used to dread leaving the Retreat or driving back home from some filming trip. I didn’t know what to do, if I left I would be homeless, I knew barely a handful of people in the whole country and I didn’t want to feel like I was a burden to someone. Most of these people I had only known for a few weeks.

All this just ate away at me, my life was full of newness and excitement and joy everywhere but at home. Not that it ever felt like home. I’d come up with excuses as to why I needed to stay in my room but then when I came downstairs for a cup of tea or a smoke, he’d be there, following me about and kissing me. I told him on many occasions I didn’t want to, it was like he was challenging me every time he did it. If I resisted any more than I did then it would have caused real friction between us. There would have always been an atmosphere and the last thing I wanted to do was make things worse. Then he started insulting me. He would point out my belly and say I was fat. He would do this in front of people, again challenging me to react. I felt like I was stupid for getting myself into such a situation, I kept most of what was happening to myself. That, I regret.

What people don’t realise is just how vulnerable trans women are. I was so desperate for acceptance from someone, anyone as a female human being that I felt I had to do things I wish I hadn’t. I should have never let this happen. I had to leave. About a week before the documentary was aired I upped and left while he was out and moved down to Brighton, the only place in the UK where I knew two people in the same town. They have been amazing friends to me and I can never thank them enough for all they have done for me.

But boil it all down and I still feel like I’m in their way. I still have no home. I need somewhere to call my own. And I need money for that, which is one thing I don’t have. I don’t even know if I want to stay in Brighton.

All I want now is a job and somewhere to call home. And someone to love who loves me back. I want a normal life. No more drama, no more fucking about, I just want to get on with doing millions of people around the world do.

I've recently met someone though and love may be blossoming so I think I'm on the way to finally getting what I want. She's the kindest woman I've ever met and makes me feel happy when I'm with her. I have high hopes for this girl.

But now I’m on TV and I’ve put myself out there under the scrutiny of the general public and opened myself up to all. I can’t run away and hide, I have to face this head on, I have to fight for what I believe is right and stand up and be counted. I have to deal with the positive and the negative from people about the show and at the same time I have to get on with building my life, wherever that may be.

 

The journey I have been on this summer has been the making of me and the people I met will forever empower me. I will get through this and my life will be amazing.

But I’m still homeless and penniless….  

So, This Transitioning Malarkey...

So I tried in Jersey to get some kind of medical help for literally years. I spoke to my doctor many times about wanting to transition. Once I was referred to a psychologist who admitted she had never even met another trans person and then proceeded to tell me that in her opinion I was only feeling  like this because I was unemployed at the time and I should just get a job... Thanx... The last time I saw my doctor I went presenting as female and asked them to refer to me as Sarah and to help me to find someone who would know what they were talking about. A week later I received a letter from my doctor;

Dear (Male name)

Unfortunately after contacting both the psychology and psychiatric department on the island there are no service (sic) available on the island with regards to gender change. The only was (sic) forward therefore would be a private referral to a unit in the UK.

Yours, Doctor.


I was blummin fuming!!! I gave this doctor bloke forty odd quid for a badly spelt letter telling me they were not going to help me at all! Grrrrr.

This was the final straw for me and Jersey. I had to get out. Not for the first time I had been slapped down by the medical profession in my island. I already wanted to move away to transition as I felt that the anonymity of a larger city or town would help me be more expressive and open than I could back home but this, this just made me even more determined to succeed with my plans to move.

I should add that the day after the boat dropped me off in England I received a call from my doctor and he said he had managed to sort a psychiatric appointment for me but not to hold out any hope of getting any more help than that. Too little, too late for me. I had made the leap and wasn't turning back.

The day I moved to Wales was the first day of the rest of my life. I have dressed as female everyday since. Within a couple of weeks I had an appointment at my local GP's office and met a new doctor. I went in for the appointment armed with the International Standards of Care for Transgendered people ready to assert my need to transition and fight for whatever rights I thought I had. She was actually really nice, she said that she'd never treated a trans person before but was willing to do some research and learn more about what it involved. I made another appointment to come back the next week.  

When I went back I couldn't believe how helpful my new GP was. She'd done a load of research and had come back with a more definite course of action. First a psychology meeting to make sure I'm not completely crazy then I've gotta see a kind of gatekeeper person to get the NHS Wales funding for a referral to the gender clinic in Charring Cross in London.

So I had my first psych appointment last Tuesday. That went really well too!! We talked about lots of things, memories of first being trans, family, friends, my past, my future... The upshot of all this is that I'm not mad!!! Yay!!! The Psychs assessment is that from her clinical point of view she won't need to see me again and she will write a letter to the next person up on the list to refer me. :)

So now I wait. one thought that has been playing on my mind a little bit is that this whole thing is going so well, I'm almost waiting for something bad to happen. Things have progressed so well and so quickly for me the last couple of months that I'm just waiting for things to slow up and for a setback to happen. I know it's the wrong thing to be thinking about but it's been in the back of my mind for ages now. I think I should just relax and enjoy the good times now and deal with whatever problems come, when they come.

The UK is Fucking Big.

Where I come from, my entire universe, everything that mattered was contained in one nine miles long by five miles wide island. It takes fifteen minutes to get everywhere. Everybody knows everyone. Jersey is so small that it doesn’t even show on a world map. Now I move to the Mainland and I’m struggling to get to grips with the enormity of the place. In forty eight hours I drove almost nine hundred miles last week. Nine. Hundred. Miles. That’s like, St. Ouens to Gorey a hundred times!!!

Home.

Maybe it’s not just the size of England and Wales, overt advertising is still rare in Jersey, for me it’s a strange sight to see a taxi with a corporate logo or bright pictures stuck to its doors. There are no roadside signs trying to tell you which car you should buy and the busses are just plain blue. I go out to any large town in Wales or England and my senses are assaulted by giant illuminated signs, billboards, stickers on bins, flyers… Almost everywhere I turn everyone’s trying to shove an advert down my neck. 

Everyone seems to know what they’re doing, where they’re going and they’re getting places as fast as they possibly can… Jersey seems so tranquil compared to the mad world I have moved to. 

   I took this one just before I left Jersey.

Having said that, I think I’m getting used to this place, I managed to go all the way to London and through the half closed down Underground the other week all on my own! I still feel very much like a small town girl in a very, very big world sometimes though.

I have been unbelievably busy for the last few weeks. In the two months I’ve been here I have been to London twice, Crawley, Brighton, Okehampton three times, Bristol thrice, Cardiff many times, Manchester, Wakefield twice and a few more that I’ve forgotten. Everywhere I’ve been there has been parties, clubs, hugs, cups of tea and a few tears. Every journey I take is one of epic proportions for me, both geographically and emotionally.