This summer has been the most extraordinary time of my life. Back in June I was at the bottom of a deep, black hole. I was sleeping in my car and friends sofas, living my life on autopilot. There was no hope. If I didn’t try and change something I don’t think I would have been able to muster up the will to live for much longer. I knew that my only hope was to confront that problem. The one that had bugged me since I was small. The problem that I had put so much effort into running from. I’m not male, I’m female
I’d also been in contact with someone from Twenty/Twenty about a documentary they were making for a few weeks, just some phone calls, I didn’t think anything would come of it but told them that I was about to start living full time as female and they seemed keen to meet me. I remember that boat journey from Jersey well. The feeling I had having a smoke looking out from the back of the boat watching my island home disappear was one of desperation, my last chance to feel good about myself. If this didn’t succeed I didn’t know what would happen. As I arrived in Weymouth I knew there would be a camera man waiting and I was still dressed in my male clothes… Sitting in my car waiting to disembark I hurriedly put on a bra, false boobs and my wig. This was day one. This was the beginning of my life.
I wanted to be part of this documentary because I knew I needed all the help I could get. I decided early on that if I was asked to take part I had to do it properly. I had watched lots of trans related TV shows in the past and some of them had really touched me, even reduced male me to tears and I wanted to be a part of something that had that effect on others. I wanted to show other trans men and women that if I could make this work then so can they.
Looking at how I am now compared to those first few days I feel like a completely different person. Being part of My Transsexual Summer has changed my life forever. It has been, far and away, the most positive experience of my life. I will forever be grateful for being asked to be a part of it. The people I met have become like family to me and it was a privilege to share such an amazing time in my life with them. The personal journey I had was just amazing and I have not only the trans people to thank but the production crew too. Some of the lessons I learnt will stay with me and benefit me for the rest of my life.
The response from people who have watched it has blown me away, I’ve had literally thousands of mails and tweets offering support and gratitude. I think it’s amazing that people I’ve never met have taken time out of their day to find me and send me lovely things, I totally didn’t expect that.
I’m going to stop gushing now, I need to figure out what to do next, how to use this experience to continue to help others and myself.
