Monday, 14 November 2011

Just whats fallen out of my head today.

What I wanted from My Transsexual Summer was a lot different than challenging stereotypical gender binary ideas people have or breaking down barriers between cisgender and transgender people.
 At the start of all this, I wanted the chance to tell my story. I wanted people to see the journey I was embarking upon. I wanted to meet and get to know other trans people like me. I wanted support. I wanted friends. I wanted a life.
All that I originally desired has come true tenfold. But I find myself wanting more. What this documentary will never tell because of time restraints is what else was going on in my life, what circumstances led up to me moving to Wales, what happened when I was living there and the situation I find myself in at the moment.
Before this summer I always lacked direction in my life, never being able to stick in one job, home or relationship. The last time I lived in the same house for more than a year was over ten years ago. I’ve never had a job for longer than eighteen months. I’ve never felt like I could be open with a partner one hundred percent because of these feelings inside of me so I flittered in and out of relationships. Nothing ever seemed quite right. I had this huge battle between masculinity and femininity raging inside me constantly eating away at me and devouring my will to give a shit about anything. I destroyed friendships, relationships, anything that did some positive for me, I just couldn’t bring myself to fight for the things that should have mattered.
But now I find myself giving a shit about stuff, and sometimes it’s hard to know what to do about it.
What the documentary won’t show is how I had somehow found myself in an abusive situation with the guy I was living with. I’d met him a couple of times before, when visiting Wales and he seemed like a nice guy, he was softly spoken, calm and chilled out and to be honest I was kind of attracted to that. He said I could come and stay in his spare room and he would help me get on my feet. He started taking me out to places and buying me drinks, cooking me meals and generally paying my way. I started looking for work and applied for job seekers allowance and housing benefit, which took months for me to sort out. During this time he was pressuring me into sex and constantly following me about the house hugging me and kissing me. I stupidly thought I owed him. I thought that he was letting me stay there for free and I had to pay him back somehow. I used to dread leaving the Retreat or driving back home from some filming trip. I didn’t know what to do, if I left I would be homeless, I knew barely a handful of people in the whole country and I didn’t want to feel like I was a burden to someone. Most of these people I had only known for a few weeks.
All this just ate away at me, my life was full of newness and excitement and joy everywhere but at home. Not that it ever felt like home. I’d come up with excuses as to why I needed to stay in my room but then when I came downstairs for a cup of tea or a smoke, he’d be there, following me about and kissing me. I told him on many occasions I didn’t want to, it was like he was challenging me every time he did it. If I resisted any more than I did then it would have caused real friction between us. There would have always been an atmosphere and the last thing I wanted to do was make things worse. Then he started insulting me. He would point out my belly and say I was fat. He would do this in front of people, again challenging me to react. I felt like I was stupid for getting myself into such a situation, I kept most of what was happening to myself. That, I regret.
What people don’t realise is just how vulnerable trans women are. I was so desperate for acceptance from someone, anyone as a female human being that I felt I had to do things I wish I hadn’t. I should have never let this happen. I had to leave. About a week before the documentary was aired I upped and left while he was out and moved down to Brighton, the only place in the UK where I knew two people in the same town. They have been amazing friends to me and I can never thank them enough for all they have done for me.
But boil it all down and I still feel like I’m in their way. I still have no home. I need somewhere to call my own. And I need money for that, which is one thing I don’t have. I don’t even know if I want to stay in Brighton.
All I want now is a job and somewhere to call home. And someone to love who loves me back. I want a normal life. No more drama, no more fucking about, I just want to get on with doing millions of people around the world do.

I've recently met someone though and love may be blossoming so I think I'm on the way to finally getting what I want. She's the kindest woman I've ever met and makes me feel happy when I'm with her. I have high hopes for this girl.
But now I’m on TV and I’ve put myself out there under the scrutiny of the general public and opened myself up to all. I can’t run away and hide, I have to face this head on, I have to fight for what I believe is right and stand up and be counted. I have to deal with the positive and the negative from people about the show and at the same time I have to get on with building my life, wherever that may be.

The journey I have been on this summer has been the making of me and the people I met will forever empower me. I will get through this and my life will be amazing.

But I’m still homeless and penniless….  


  1. But now you have an idea of the things you would like from life. It's easier to make a plan when you have at least a small inclination of what you want.
    The journey of 1000 miles starts with the first step! Good Luck!

  2. Really enjoyed reading this and getting more of an incite into how things have been for you. I'm so pleased you have found someone and I wish you all the best.

    I really enjoyed the first episode of My Transsexual Summer and looking forward to tomorrows episode. Really hope things went well with telling your mum.

    All the best


  3. *HUGS*

    I had no idea, that's a messed up situation with your room mate.

    I hope things start going better for you now that your in Brighton

  4. You're just an ugly dude. Even if you cut off your p3nis you'll still be an ugly dude. Get over it.

  5. Strange how its only the anonymous get abusive. Do you feel all big and manly sitting there behind your keyboard in your mothers spare room?

    Get a life you fucktard.

  6. Don't rise to it babe, there's no need. Things will work out for you, you've shown how much character you have getting out of that Wales situation and putting yourself on TV. All the best

  7. Sorry to here of your difficult time in Cardiff....did wonder why you chose Cardiff from all the potential mainland we know.
    Hope its going better for you in Brighton...always a favourite place of mine. Was astonished by the progress you made in confidence and demeanour during the first programme. I am sure you are going to have a similar trajectory through the rest of the series. I am so looking forward to watching the rest of the series....well done to all concerned.

  8. oops not Cardiff...Swansea sorry!

  9. I am really sorry to hear yo had such hard time with that guy,nobody should have to go through things like that,transgendered or not..

    People should be treated with the respect they deserve regardless of who they are,and yes I realise that this is a kind of "ideal world" view but I really do believe that.

    As for the anonymous fuckwit who posted that above i would just like to say,i think you need to get out more and actually experience the wonderful and varied thing called life has to offer.

    I personally think that everyone is beautiful in their own and unique ways,it is not just how they appear on the outside it is the whole being that gives a person their individual beuaty

    I wish you all the best for the future and hoep that all goes well with the new lady in your life

    *big hugs*

  10. Just clicked who you are hun, spoke to you sometime ago via a site we both know well. I am Jamie from Jersey. Just wanted to say I think you are fantastic and wish you all the best. Will keep up with your progress :-) Take care, Jamie.XX

  11. After reading your blog and watching you on channel 4 I felt complelled to write and tell you how much I admire your strength.

    The things that you have dealt with so far are harder than most people will ever have to cope with in their entire sheltered lives.

    I really do wish you all the best for the future and hope that you can find happiness in whatever you do. x

  12. Just watched the programme again and admire you all. There are some very cruel people out there but take no notice, there're just sad. If these people cant see how you all feel they never will but plenty more do. I could have cried at the bridal shop ladies comments, Drews lovely All the best x

  13. Hi - I also just watched the show and was deeply moved and very impressed by everyone taking part. I won't pretend to understand what any of you are going through but can see how difficult it must be. It never occured to me it would be difficult to find work. I wish you all luck for the future and sincerly hope your mother and family accept you for who you are. Can't wait for next weeks show. xx

  14. I'm sorry you've had to go through so many awful experiences, hon. That said, I like to think that the experiences we go through in life, no matter how awful, make us who we are - and as far as I can tell, you're a gutsy woman who is working hard to improve her life. You deserve all the respect in the world.

    As a fellow Brighton resident, I also want to say that down here you will find people prepared to accept you as you are far more readily than anywhere else in the country. Even if it's just for a while, I'd encourage you to stay here until you're more confident in yourself. Although, I know from experience, jobs down here are a bit scarce at the moment! You'll find something, though - things in life have a funny way of working out if you put yourself on the right path.

    Good luck with everything. xo

  15. I feel for the people on the show, and the blog makes it seem so much harder, sorry about all you had to (and still are) going through.
    Oh, just a small tip, the Channel Islands are not in the U.K., they are in the British Isles, but, yes I understand it makes it easier for people to understand! I am from there too!
    Best of luck :)

  16. I have watched two episodes of the show and have seen a difference in all of you who are featured, in just the first couple of episodes.
    You are all fantastic people and each of you brings something in to the programme,and i hope that each and every one is taking something out of it.
    There are people out there who will take advantage,no matter what gender you are,however that doesn't give anyone the license to behave disgracefully.If people don't understand they should just ask questions! I hope that the guy who purported to want to help you feels ashamed of himself,but you know Karma happens,so what goes around comes around.
    Sarah you must be brave but most of all, true to yourself and what you want out of life, you need to find yourself and be happy,the rest will come given time.You are a beautiful person,who has a lot to give and i too wish you all the very best with your new relationship,everything that can be crossed is crossed for you!
    Ignore those that are nasty with you,as you say, they have to remain anonymous thus proving they are cowards,perhaps it even makes them nervous of their own sexuality and gender! ( here's hoping :) )
    Chin up, keep smiling,stay true to you and try not to put yourself in any danger,live your life and be happy,something most people actually cannot do themselves!
    Be safe,and i will keep watching and reading and following all of your progresses,give my very best wishes to the other beautiful people on the show,good luck and love to you all.
    B x
    PS before anyone comments i am a Counsellor and i firmly believe everyone deserves to live their lives as they want to and be happy,so to all the bigots out there,leave your nasty comments at the door,on your way out.

  17. You are beautiful :)
    All the luck in the world Lx

  18. How much do you pay your gf to sleep with you I hope it's a lot cause wow sleeping with a guy that looks like he's 40 and that wears barbie wigs must be HAAAAARRRRD

  19. Cannot believe some of the harsh anonymous comments on here. I've been watching Trans Summer. I am not trans and have no vested interest. I just think you are all an inspiration. I hope your home situation sorts itself out. Go girl!

  20. It makes me sad to read that you don't appreciate/value yourself enough. No matter what a person does for you, no matter how kind a person may be, you have no obligation to let them walk over you or abuse you!
    I know it is hard when you are in a situation, where you depend on the person, that abuses you (I know that sadly too well), but it is not right. You shouldn't endure it or even think you owe that person something.
    You have to listen to your own limits and needs. You need to take care of yourself. You are worth it.

    It seems things are looking up - at least a bit - so I cross my fingers for you and wish you the best.

    Greetings from Germany (sorry if my English is a bit weird)

  21. I knew a trans girl in Jersey - her name was Deborah and she worked for Marks & Spencer. She moved to UK for her surgery about eight years ago and, although I haven't heard from her since, I like to think things worked out for her in the end. To be honest, I think getting out of Jersey was a good decision - not very accepting of things there, unfortunately.

    Good luck!

  22. Hey Sarah! As you know I fully support you on your new and exciting journey! I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you have been experiencing, but hang on in there, things will get better and your dreams will come true. As for the few retarded comments on here...seriously?? How pathetic! Is that really the best you can come up with?! Get a life or better still go remove yourselves from the gene pool and do the world a favour! Love ya hon, keep blogging and be strong! Soraya xx

  23. Hi,Sarah love; as a TS woman myself,I had half a lifetime (including a failed heterosexual marriage and two wonderful,now adult children)struggling to come to a clear realisation of what and who I really was. As is the case with many people such as ourselves,I knew there was 'something wrong' from the age of at least six years;boys had an 'otherness' about them and I felt far more comfortable with girls and women. In fact,she never knew it,but a friend of my mothers' was actually my secret role model! Could I just say to you (although I'm sure you know all this already),is that the greatest personal achievement in life,I think,is to become who you really are and to live life for yourself,not live it for others. You may owe some people your love,but NOBODY owns your life! As to the haters-pity them. If they are so threatened by another individuals' gender/sexuality,then they have deep-seated problems of their own-I speak as a graduate in both Psychology AND life. Bigots are characterised and typified by their illogical fear,substantial lack of intelligence and self-worth,and,often,physical as well as personal 'ugliness'. They are generally the sort who are cowards and would make excellent guards in a Nazi concentration camp. It's wonderful that your mother has accepted your true female self and reality as a person. Lots of luck and love to you,Sarah! Honey x